New year new adventures

Today we end 2011. Looking back it was a pretty good year. We had a job, good health, good friends.
Tomorrow is a new year with new expectations. I never set one resolution. I set a different resolution each month so that I can work on what I need to improve at that time. This year I am making full year resolution in addition to my monthly resolution.
This year I resolve to take at least one picture with my camera every day. I love photography and I tend to not take time for things that I love on a regular basis. This will ensure that I do.
My monthly resolution for the month of January is to clean through my kitchen. I have a lot of new gadgets that I got for Christmas and my kitchen is a mess from the holidays. This resolution makes perfect sense for me during this month.
Setting a monthly resolution avoids the issue of getting halfway through the year and not keeping something a set myself to 6 months prior.
Have a wonderful time celebrating tonight, be safe.
Next year make it better. Love your family, love your friends, help someone in need and make time for yourself.
Live Laugh Love.

The week before Christmas

Six days from now it will be Christmas morning. Some of my friends are finished shopping some are panicking because they have not. It is the final stretch now before the big day.
I have not quite finished but I am not panicking. I am too excited to panic. I love Christmas and all of the craziness it brings. I love the baking cookies, finding just the right gift, the decorations, the carols and cartoons. I love reminding my children of the reason we celebrate. It is the birth of Jesus, his birthday.
My Christmas has not always been this great. I grew up with a mother who suffered from undiagnosed depression. The Christmas holiday always seemed to be the worse for her. She went through the motions but there was no extra excitement. The highlight for me was that she always made cut out sugar cookies with me. The rest was up to my dad. He made the holiday great for us. We picked our tree, decorated the house, and he would take a thermos of hot cocoa to the tree lighting on the green. We always tried to find something that would make my mom happy but that gift just didn't exist.
When I moved out of the house and in with my fiancé all of that changed. We bought our first tree decorated right after Thanks giving and really celebrated for four weeks straight. It was wonderful. Christmas has been like this ever since. I love this holiday and I love that my husband has helped make it be better every year. Our children love the way we celebrate. From the tree to the nativity to the nights watching the cartoons.
We never forget that we are celebrating the birth of Christ. That is always reinforced. Today I even explained the celebration of Hanukkah to the boys. It is important that they understand that there are other holidays being celebrated this time of year.
So no matter what you are celebrating over the coming weeks I hope you are happy, creating the memories that will last in the hearts of those around you. Embrace the craziness. After all, in two weeks we will begin a new year, why not make the rest of this one great?
Give yourself the gift of letting go. Let go of negativity, let go of the past, let go of what is holding you back. Then you can take this season for all that it is and truly enjoy it.
Live Laugh Love

Build your own life

You can't build a good life with someone else if you haven't first built a good life for yourself.
It amazes me every time I hear someone say how they will love their life and/or be happy when the person they love does something or changes something. Your happiness is your responsibility not someone else's. If you are waiting for someone to change you need to understand that they will change in their own time not yours. People do change but it only lasts when they are doing for their own reasons, not for someone else.
So what is a person to do? Well they are to find their own happiness. Start by being independent. Their is nothing like being on your own to find who you are and what you love about yourself. When I first went to college I chose one far from home and made sure I didn't have a boyfriend when I left. I had to make all new friends and learn to be without a guy by my side to define who I was. I grew up that first year and learned things that have carried me through some though times. I learned that if you outgrow your friends then it is okay, there are a lot of people in this world to be friends with. I also learned that I didn't need a man to support me or define me. I can make it on my own and if I have someone special in my life then it is because I want them in my life, not because I need them.
You are responsible for your own happiness. It is not someone else's job to make you happy. Find who you are and what you love. When you can find happiness on your own then you can share it with the others in your life. Happiness is contagious. People around will see that it comes from within your own heart. When they ask what is making your life so grand you will know the answer. "I am making my own life grand". Happiness is yours to find. It isn't bought in a store, it comes from within.

Holding myself back

I wanted to post a blog a day but I am finding that a bit unreasonable. This weekend was too busy to get here and post. My 10 year old son had his test for black belt on Sunday. This was a 5 hour test for him. I am so proud of him for the hard work and dedication to pursuing this that he showed. He was sick after the first 45 minutes and he didn't quit. He splashed water on his face, rinsed his mouth out and went on to finish the last 4 hours of testing. He told me that he went there to earn his black belt and he wasn't going home without it.
I wish that my oldest son had this same drive but he doesn't. He tends to start things but doesn't finish them. They are two great kids but very different children. I know that the oldest needs to break of this pattern of not finishing things. He is still young so I need to help him see why he doesn't finish things that become too challenging so he can work on changing it before it affects his future.
I fall somewhere in between. I finish what I start but I don't always follow up with what I have done. For example my schooling. I have a BA in Sociology. I used that for many years as both a counselor for troubled youth and a mental health worker in a psychiatric unit. Then I also have a certificate in health and fitness, took the real estate course to sell houses, and I am a certified paralegal. I work as an EMT. I completed these classes and did nothing with them. I don't know if I am being to picky with my job fitting around my children's schedule or if I am afraid of failing at a new job. I don't fail very often so I am not very good at it. I am often torn because I would like to go back to work full time but I need to take care of my kids after school stuff. When I would mention a full time job after my paralegal training my husband would ask me who was going to get the kids off the bus, prepare dinner, make sure they got their homework done and take care of their after school activities. That has been my job and if I don't do it it doesn't get done. My husband doesn't get home early enough to do this stuff. He helps out when he can and helps out around the house when I need him to so I can't fault him. It just makes it hard for me to anything after 3 pm.
Is this all just more excuses for me? Or it just the reality of my current situation?
I just don't want it to be what is causing my oldest to not finish things. I don't want him to see me not following through and think that it is okay for him not follow through. I love learning new things and I hope he sees that I am learning as I go so that I have options and I am continuing to grow as a person.
So what does this have to do with my personal journey? Well it is an area that I need to look at. Am I holding myself back and if so, then why. I can't move forward when I am keeping myself stuck. I can't use my children as an excuse for not perusing my dreams but I do need to keep within the reality that right now they do come first. I am their mother, it is my job to make sure that they are raised right not raising themselves. I have seen the realities of that in other children.
So here I am, stuck. I will find my direction it is just frustrating that it is taking so much time.
I have decided that I hold myself back by spending too much time on the Internet. I am going to start limiting myself to one hour a day. Let's see how much I can accomplish in the next week with this restriction. I will keep you posted.
Live Laugh Love

Christmas and chaos

What do you want for Christmas? That seems to be the question of the day lately. My kids of course have a nice short but expensive list. I noticed that the older they get the more expensive their wants get. I only buy for them on holidays and birthdays so I don't mind getting a couple of these items. If my boys want something in between they save and buy it on their own.
My list is much shorter. I don't want much of anything. A new bag for my camera, a new CD (I love music, listen to it all of the time), and some more K cups, I also need my coffee. I don't need much and I don't want more stuff. Stuff equals clutter and chaos for me. Stuff is the reason why I can't find my Christmas tree skirt right now, or the extra wrapping paper that I know I bought at the end of last year.
Stuff equals clutter and that creates chaos for me that I just don't need anymore. I have been swamped in this chaos for too long already. It gives me an excuse for every time I can't find what I am looking for. It also gives me an excuse to be lazy. I want to be done with excuses. I can't make progress if I am making excuses.
This may not be the best time of year to try to clean out the accumulated clutter but I can make sure that I do not make it worse. If I start little now then I have a better chance of success. Rome was not built in a day and my clutter won't be cleaned out in one either. I can start with one little step at a time on this journey and move forward.
So I don't want just stuff for Christmas, I want only a few items. I will have a hard enough time making room for my boys gifts that Santa may bring. I will be happy with time with loved ones, time for myself, kind words from friends. These are truly the best gifts I could receive.
Now, where did I put that tree skirt? I may just have to buy a new one this year. I hope not, I love the one my husband and I bought together 19 years ago. No, I will have to find it.
Live laugh love.

Searching for myself

I have been an at home mom for so long that I have come to look at myself as just mom. I have also come to realize that I am miserable with this. I do work one day a week, but it doesn't really fulfill me.
I used to have a career, hobbies, and friends to hang around with. Now I have laundry, cooking, housework and my kids activities and needs to tend to. I have nothing that excites or inspires me. I have started reading books on self fulfillment. Eat Pray Love, The Happiness Project, are just a couple of them. I am looking for answers but seem to be lacking motivation.
I know that I procrastinate. I always have. I believe it is a tactic for avoiding failure and disappointing people. I know that I am no longer living up to my potential.
I always loved to write. I love taking pictures and I would love to travel a little. Writing this blog is me beginning to do what I love while I figure the rest out. This is going to be my journey.

Photos

My husband and I recently visited Atlantic City. We took the usual photos that tourists do. One morning however we hit the boardwalk early. I took my camera with me not quite knowing what I was looking for. I love to take pictures that are candid. I don't like posing or fake smiles. These two men became my subjects that morning. There is something so raw about them that I simply love the photos. I did the first in both color and black and white with a touch of color. Not sure which one I like best, but I am leaning to the black and white one.

Old friends

Last night I had a reunion with a couple of old friends. My friend Traci is visiting the state with her boys. Because she is so close and we haven't seen each other in 23 or so years, we made plans to get together. Our friend Cindy joined us for the same reason. Traci was going to Ocean Beach for movie night, so we all were meeting there.
When I arrived at the beach and called her I was actually on the boardwalk directly in front of her. She hasn't changed much over the years, she still looks great. The boys hit it off immediatly and were lost to the ocean. As we caught up on our lives, waiting for Cindy, it was like the years just melted away. I didn't realize how much I missed my friends. Cindy arrived a little while later with her son and he was summoned to the water by the four boys to play. Cindy looks just as she did in school, just a little older. I guess that happens to us after 20 or so years though.
The movie never happened due to a storm that came through. We moved the beach stuff to the snack shack area and waited out the storm. It wasn't a problem though. It didn't ruin anything, we just hung out inside while the boys played in and out of the rain. It was like we did this all of the time.  When the rain ended we were back on the beach, still talking. It was really one of the best times I have had with friends in a long time. Not that I havn't had good times with friends since high school, but really, not that many. Most of my fun times are with my husband and children. That is not a bad thing, but it really isn't a good thing either.
It was really and eye opener for me. I have been hurt by girlfriends in the past. People that I trusted with all my heart and soul who left my life, stabbed me in the back or just weren't who I thought they were as friends. Because of this, over the years I have closed myself off to opening up fully to others. I have become afraid to put myself out there to be hurt again. Last night reminded me of why I need to suck it up and put myself out there. I miss that closeness that I had with my girlfriends in school and at other times. I shouldn't let a few bad apples ruin it.
I know that my husband enjoys sharing everything with me, but I hope he understands that sometimes it is nice to spend girl time with someone. It is something I do rarely, mostly with my friend Sharon. Spending time with my friends last night was something that I really needed in my life. They don't realize it but they may have just changed my life. Today I am looking at where I am, where I am going, and most importantly, who I am. I need to stop living in fear of things, especially of failure and pain. Today I need to start living again for the things I love too, not just the things that make others happy.

new teen in the house

My son just turned 13 yesterday. He is my first born, so I am new to the whole "teenager" thing. I really can't believe that my baby is now a teenager. Where did the years go? They do seem to pass by so quickly, just like people said at my baby shower. I am so very grateful that I had the opportunity to stay home with him for most of his childhood. I did work part time for the first couple of years, but after his brother was born it just didn't make financial since to pay someone else to raise my children. Most of my paycheck would have gone to a childcare provider. My husband and I cut some of our expenses and made it work.
So, about my new teen. I really can't complain to much about him. Yes, he gets fresh sometimes, talks back on occasion, and needs extra prompting to get things done. He needs to learn that it is okay to question authority, but it has to be done respectfully. Life lessons. On a positive note though, he is kind, caring and helpful when I need him to be. He has been bullied in school for a couple of years but never became a bully himself. He struggles with his self esteem because of this, but he never compromises his moral and values. He makes good life choices, has faith, has an open heart and an open mind.  He does question everything because he wants to know everything. That really isn't a bad quality, but he needs to learn some boundaries with it. He is only 13 after all. He understands the importance of education and frequently makes the honor roll. I am very proud of him.
This is new territory. People keep telling "just wait". I hope that I have raised him with enough of a good foundation that he continues to make his good decisions. I hope he continues to explore the world with gusto. I frequently remind him that it is good to spread his wings and fly. The world is a big and beautiful place full of adventure, and I will always be his home base if needs a place to land. We live in a small town where I find most people don't leave. I hope that isn't him. I don't mind if he comes back someday, but I hope that I am raising him with the confidence to see what else he be, do, have, live.
I say bring on the teen years. I am now raising a young man, not teaching a child. I welcome the challenge. If I didn't then what kind of roll model would I be?

trust

A friend of mine posted the question the other day "How do you let go of the past, regain trust when there's none left, and keep moving on when you feel like you really can't?"

     Trust is such a fragile thing  that many take for granted. I remember the first time my oldest son lied to me. He didn't seem to get it at first. I then had him think about the things he wanted to do as he got older. Go to the movies with friends without an adult, hang at the mall without me following him, get his drivers license. Then I explained to him that he would not be able to do any of these activities if he didn't have my trust and I can't trust him if he lies. Trust is re-earned with time and proof. Words mean nothing compared to actions. If someone repeatedly violates your trust and doesn't give the effort to show you that they want to earn it then maybe it is time to look at how important this relationship really is. Is it toxic? Do you really want and need this person to point of them bringing negativity to your life? If it is family then it is a much more difficult decision to make.

     I have a brother who repeatedly violated my trust. From the time I was little well into my adulthood. It finally came to a point where, for my own mental health, I had to decide to let it go. He is still my brother, but the relationship is very simple. I make sure that I know how to get in contact with him in case of emergency, and he is not part of my life in any other way. It is amazing the weight that lifted when I cut the emotional ties. I let go of the past by refusing to let it into my present.

     So, my answer to my friends question was this: "You hold the past like a suitcase then put it down and leave it at the door. Trust is regained one action at a time and you move on one moment at a time and sometimes you just fake it till you make it."

     Today find some piece of your past that has been holding you back. Put it in your suitcase, put it down and walk through the door of today without it.

welcome

So I have decided to join the world of bloggers. I am a mostly stay at home mom. I say mostly because I work one day a week. Some weeks it feels like my day at work is really my day off. When you choose to stay home with you children you choose to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no sick days, no overtime pay, no vacation time and if you child is sick in the middle of the night it means mandatory overtime.
I am an educated mom, so there are times when I feel my college degree was a waste because I am not using it. I have thought of working a full time job my honestly my husband dicourages it. I think he doesn't want to have to pitch in more around here. He really likes that I handle all of the childrens activities, doctor appointments, school issues and have dinner on the table when he comes home. Dinner is homemade too, not take out stuff.
I am not really sure on where I intend on going with this, so it is random for now. I am always changeing things in my life, so the future is never certain for me. I have degrees and certificates from 4 different colleges because I love to learn new things. Writing has always been my first passion though. I may use this space to publish some of my writings from the past, but I really prefere to look to the future while living for today.
That is all for today because as usual  my housework is beconing my attention.